Breaking Up Not Breaking Down: Ditching Breakup Drama and Healing From Heartbreak

Inspired by SZA's Kill Bill

Dec 02, 2024

Welcome to The Playroom—where we explore the emotions, themes, and lessons hidden in the songs we love.

I'm so mature, I'm so mature
I'm so mature, I got me a therapist to tell me there's other men
I don't want none, I just want you
If I can't have you, no one should
I might. . .

–SZA, Kill Bill

Put the knife down, sis. Please don’t lose it all over a man.

The urge to snap after a breakup can overwhelm us at times, especially when you see your ex moving on. I get it. You're trying to handle the breakup in an emotionally mature manner. You try to remain very demure. Very mindful. But then you see him posting the new girl, and all that healing work you did with your therapist goes out the window.

Listen, breakups hurt, and when you see an ex moving on, it can feel like someone’s rubbing salt in a wound you thought was healing, and now you need to increase your weekly budget to fit in more therapy sessions.

What I love about SZA’s Kill Bill is that it captures that raw, frustrated energy—the feeling that the person who once filled your world has just… moved on. It’s a song about longing and the complicated emotions that surface when a former relationship ends, but the pain lingers.

The Psychology of Moving On: Why It’s Harder Than It Looks

If you ever wondered why moving on can be so hard, there’s a science to it.

When a relationship ends, your brain and heart remain wired to the person you once held close. Neurochemically, you've been conditioned to see your ex as a source of safety, belonging, or whatever stories you told yourself about who they are and what they mean to you. This is why endings can feel like such a shock to our nervous system. It gets even worse when you see them moving on and living their life with someone else—this can trigger deep pain related to attachment and loss.

‘I might kill my ex, not the best idea

His new girlfriend's next, how'd I get here?

I might kill my ex, I still love him though

Rather be in jail than alone”

Yearning for a romantic relationship is not a bad thing, but when you reach a point where you're self-abandoning and sitting in your basement plotting revenge against your ex and his new girl, well… this might mean you struggle with what's called "love addiction.”

Love addiction is not a diagnosis within the DSM-5, but it's a psychological term describing an unhealthy obsession with a romantic partner. This manifests as chronic people-pleasing, persistent rumination, intense emotional highs and lows, and feelings of worthlessness when a relationship ends. Love addiction can be driven by neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin, which contribute to our bonding with others. After a breakup, the sudden withdrawal from this "chemical high" leaves us feeling empty, longing, and vulnerable.

In the early days after a breakup, it's common to experience rumination—a state where our minds get stuck replaying memories, questions, and regrets. Rumination keeps us mentally tethered to our ex, blocking the healing process. The key is learning to disrupt this cycle and reclaim our thoughts—a process we can work through with time, patience, and a few tools.

Step 1: Confront Your Feelings (Even the Ugly Ones)

One of the reasons why Kill Bill is so popular is because SZA is raw and honest about her feelings of rage, envy, sadness, and frustration. Her feelings are messy, and she’s being open about it instead of pretending it’s all good when it’s not.

In therapy, we call this emotional ambivalence when you feel many opposing emotions at once, and it’s completely normal. Ambivalence can be tough because it feels messy, but try to avoid suppressing your difficult emotions. Let yourself feel all your feelings without judgment; bottling them up often leads to lingering resentment, unresolved grief, and maybe the desire to kill your ex.

Journaling can help you be honest with yourself about your emotions. Write down the thoughts you might not be comfortable sharing out loud. Sometimes, simply articulating these feelings allows us to gain insight and ultimately reduce their power over us.

Step 2: Reframe the Narrative

Your ex’s new relationship might make you feel like you’ve been “replaced” or that your relationship didn’t matter. It might also make you think you are not good enough or worthy, but that’s just your mind telling you stories–literally. This is called cognitive distortion, and it can trick us into seeing things in extremes—like feeling that your ex is now “better off” or that you’re “not good enough.” These thoughts are irrational but powerful, keeping you stuck in a loop of self-blame or resentment.

Four common types of cognitive distortions:

Personalization: Blaming yourself for other people’s actions
Making assumptions: Assuming to know a situation without knowing the facts
Black & White thinking: Seeing things in extremes without nuance
Overgeneralization: Believing one single experience will determine the outcome of all future experiences

Try reframing the narrative. For instance, instead of thinking, “They’ve moved on, and no one wants me,” tell yourself, “They’ve found someone new, and I am free to find the person who is for me.” Reframing won’t erase the pain but it can open space for a more compassionate view of yourself and your journey forward.

Step 3: Reframe Your Scarcity Mindset

In my work as a coach and therapist, I've consistently observed many women living with a scarcity mindset when it comes to men. You might find yourself at home, crying with a box of tissues on your bedside table, telling yourself, "I'm never going to find someone who loved me like my ex did."

Here's a truth bomb: if there's one thing men are good at, it's moving on and existing in a state of abundance. That's a lesson I need you to learn. It's perfectly okay to be sad when a relationship ends, but convincing yourself you'll never experience love again is simply not true.

Reframe the belief that love has limitations because it doesn't. Love flows abundantly and will meet you wherever you are, as long as you're willing to be open to it. You'll likely always have love for an ex-partner, but the end of that relationship doesn't mean the end of your capacity to love and be loved.

Step 4: Break the Cycle of Comparison

“You was out of reach

You was at the farmer's market with your perfect peach”

This is for my cyberstalkers. Social media can be a dangerous place post-breakup. Scrolling through pictures of your ex with someone else only fuels the fire of comparison, leading you to question your worth, attractiveness, and even personality. This behavior is referred to as upward social comparison, where we compare ourselves to someone we perceive as “better,” triggering feelings of inadequacy.

To break this habit, mute or unfollow that man, sis. Also, don't have your friends cyber-stalk him either. Ask yourself, "Why is this information important or relevant to my healing journey?" Unless you want to be in a state of self-sabotage—which I know you don't—consider limiting your social media use, especially during vulnerable moments. Instead, spend that time focusing on things that lift you up—whether it's connecting with friends, rediscovering old hobbies, or exploring new interests. Remember, there's no need to compare yourself to your ex's new partner or relationship; their journey is separate from yours (and it's none of your business).

Step 5: Reconnect with Yourself

One of the biggest challenges after a breakup is rediscovering your identity after being so intertwined with someone else. Relationships often become central to our daily lives and sense of self. Now's the time to reconnect with your values, goals, and passions—aspects that might have taken a backseat during the relationship. This process might even reveal things about the relationship that didn't sit well with you, helping you set the tone for what you want in your next partnership.

Try setting small goals, like reading a new book, learning a skill, going on a solo date, or even setting aside time for daily self-care. These acts of self-reclamation reinforce your identity, building your confidence and sense of purpose. Gradually, you’ll feel more whole and less dependent on a relationship for validation.

Step 6: Embrace the Power of “No Contact”

Sometimes, the healthiest move you can make is to cut off contact with your ex. Let's be real—what do you gain from staying in touch? Are you really interested in being BFFs with the man you once fantasized about luring into your basement, never to be seen again? “No contact” isn’t about spite or punishment; it’s about creating space for healing. This boundary prevents re-triggering old wounds and gives you the breathing room to process your emotions.

If you're tempted to reach out, remind yourself that each interaction will likely delay your recovery. Remember, missing someone isn't a valid reason to contact them. It simply means you're longing for the connection you once shared. It's perfectly okay to miss someone without acting on that feeling. No contact can be challenging but liberating; it’s a chance to prioritize your well-being and give yourself the time and space to heal.

The Takeaway: Moving Forward at Your Own Pace

Seeing an ex move on isn't easy, but it's an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your capacity for resilience, and your ability to experience the endless flow and abundance of love that life has to offer through the people we connect with.

As SZA expresses in Kill Bill, it's okay to feel complex, even irrational emotions—but remember, you're so much more than your heartbreak. Now, put away those thoughts of revenge, get off that man's Instagram, and focus on yourself. Light a candle, read a book, and make peace with moving on.

Have you heard the song? Give it a listen! Leave a comment and share your thoughts. What parts of this essay resonated with you the most?